Origin Story: Something Eternal

As I sat rocking my newly three month old son in his nursery, my mind raced. The weight of his sleeping body pressed against my lap, and I could smell the sweet scent of his lotion on the top of his head. I was soaking in his warmth, the sound of his breathing, and the gentle twitches his limbs would make as he settled into a deep sleep. Moments like these are so serene, so filled with God's presence, yet all I could feel was the heavy weight that rested on my heart.

Sitting with our son Dean in quiet moments like these makes for the perfect opportunity to reflect on his arrival, his miraculous growth, and how much I cherish the opportunity to be his mother. Yet in this particular moment, all I could think about was January 13th- the day I would have to return to my beloved job as a first grade teacher at our parochial Catholic school.

From the time I was a little girl if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would tell you "a ballerina-teacher-mom," as if that were some specialized position I would one day apply for. Those who know me well know that my dancing immediately disqualifies me from a a cruise ship line dance, let alone a role in the ballet. God knew what He was doing though when he wrote those last two on my heart. A love for teaching has always come naturally to me. The chance to create meaningful tools and strategies to help reveal and celebrate the talents of each child is the most unique, rewarding experience. My desire to be a mother has been ingrained into my being from a very young age, and I was the proud parent of many a Bitty Baby growing up. I am blessed to have an amazing marriage to the most magnificent husband with which this dream has become a reality.

As I began the school year with a very large Dean-sized belly, I was frequently met with questions from coworkers and families of my students: "So, what is your return plan?" "When are you coming back?" "You aren't taking the whole year, are you?" These were all questions I anticipated, and given how much I love our school and my role in it, my answer was always the same, without so much as a second thought: "Of course I am coming back. You don't need to worry about that."

Our young Catholic school is blessed with the presence of the Holy Spirit, and we have incredible teachers, students, and families who occupy its halls. We laugh together, learn together, and pray together. I absolutely love coming to work each day. Not to mention one of the many reasons I sought out this profession was for its adaptability to family life. With Ryan and I both being teachers and accustomed to relying on both incomes to provide for our household, I never considerered staying home to raise our children as an option. I thought that surely when the time came, I would be able to recall all of the very logical, honest reasons I love teaching with ease and return to work with a feeling of accomplishment that I was carrying out the plan we had all along. I thought the opportunity to establish a healthy attachment style with my son by allowing our moms to help care for him would be a welcomed development. Despite how eager she was to fully dive in to her new role as a grandmother, my mom gently and wisely nudged that it was a very real possibility I would not want to return to my career after little Dean was welcomed into the world. Ryan and I discussed the potential of this happening while I was pregnant, rather nonchalantly. Although we checked the box of having the conversation, we hadn't really given it much serious consideration. What we couldn't have anticipated was how completely right she was, as mothers so often are.

It didn't take long once we (finally) brought Dean home for it to be almost routine that one of us would make a comment or crack a joke every now and then about my staying home with him. Before we knew it, we were in the final weeks of December, and a sense of urgency arose. We started throwing around ideas of how we could "make this work", but often got discouraged that the life and routines we had come to know needed to remain unaltered. Thoughts of doubt swirled in my mind. Was I being selfish for wanting to put a hold on my career and stay home? Were our emotions getting in the way of reason? Would all of the pro's be outweighed by the inconvenience of creating a new hierarchy of priorities? Would our families worry about how we would make ends meet? Would Jesus be disappointed that I was walking away from the opportunity to serve others? It was my amazing husband who brought me back and grounded me in our faith. He reminded me that my primary vocation is to be a wife and mother. That is what God has called me to do first and foremost.

It was then that our stubbornness surrounding the lifestyle we wanted to live melted away to reveal a tremendous reality: our priorities had changed. Our perspective had shifted. The previous conviction we held that our habits and routines could not afford any changes all went out the window. The fear of the unknown remained, but Ryan and I both were experiencing an all too familiar feeling: the feeling of being drawn out of ourselves and our own expectations, as though we were seeing Jesus standing on the Sea of Galilee stretching his hand out for us to come join Him.

Rocking Dean in the nursery, I asked the Lord to speak to me. To let me know that the conclusion Ryan and I reached was truly His plan and not ours. I felt his presence wash over me, and He left me with this:

"Something eternal is happening here. Trust in me."

The Lord works and moves in ways that we could never anticipate. I was struck by the truth in this statement. Something eternal is happening here, in our little house, with our little family of three. The truth of it is that we are all searching for something that will lead us home. Not the home we fill with warmth and comfort, the place we cutlivate as a haven for love and friendship. Our heavenly home that is greater than the earthly world that we are surrounded by. The home we were created to share with our heavenly Father who makes all things new. It was in this moment that I felt the magnitude of my role of motherhood and couldn't help but feel a sense of peace. Lots of questions remained unanswered regarding how the details would shake out, but we were reminded of Matthew 6:19-21:

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and decay destroy, and theives break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor theives break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be."

and Matthew 6: 31-34:

"So do not worry and say 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you."

Ryan and I both knew if I didn't listen to my heart, this whisper from God telling us that motherhood was calling me to stay home with our child, we would regret it immensely. Like so many other pivotal times in our lives, this was a calling to fall more deeply in love with our Lord. To trust Him with all of our hearts and offer up "the old" as a sign of our love for Him. To take Jesus' hand, no matter how hesitantly, and carry out His will with obedience and faith.

Here's to the beginning of the journey.

-Tess